Since I didn't write an article last Thursday, I decided to do one this Monday. I've now been at my job for a couple of days and have a pretty good feel for it. It's not the most exciting thing in the world, but guess what: it pays real American currency, and I could go for some of that nowadays. Also, I learned something pretty exciting. Being a claims agent, the next role that I would likely be promoted into is something called an adjustor. Adjustors are the people in the insurance agency who handle the investigation of any claims that are made. Seeing as that position requires a great deal of investigation, what that means that I'm only two steps away from being a private investigator. And that means I'm only three steps away from starting a private investigation business, growing a mustache, moving to Hawaii, and finding a black friend with a helicopter to fly me around. And in my mind that means I'm only four steps away from being a soldier of fortune on the lam from the government who sent me to prison for a crime I didn't commit traveling around the country doing good deeds for people with Mr. T. And believe you me, being only four steps removed from being the A-Team is something that excites me greatly.

On a side note, I know I've talked to some of you about this before, but it is an absolute crime that they have not made an A-Team movie. I do have no doubt, however, that if they were to do it, they would completely screw it up and bastardize the thing to the point that I would refuse to watch it. Still, I think that the following would be a perfect cast:
George Clooney as Hannibal
Rob Lowe as Face
The Rock as B.A.
Will Ferrell as Murdock
If they got that cast and hired me to direct, I think this could be a classic.

As I was typing the A-Team movie cast, I came up with a recurring article idea that I think is pretty decent. It will be called Bastardizing a Classic, and in it I will take a great movie, TV show, or whatever, and then I will predict how Hollywood will ultimately make a movie about this and completely ruin it. So, just to throw out a hypothetical one, let's take a TV show from the 80's that had a pretty loyal fan base, especially in the South, and then let's take a pair of actors that are an absolutely awful fit for the film, like, say I don't know, Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott, and then let's take the film out of its original charming setting and place it in modern times, and then to ensure its a hit, let's fill it so chock full of bathroom humor that one of the original members of the cast calls for a boycott of the film. That sure would bastardize the original, wouldn't it? Fortunately, the ideas in this section will be all hypothetical; I mean, no one would be awful enough to do that to the Dukes of Hazzard, would they?

Anyway, in this version of Bastardizing a Classic, we'll take on the A-Team. And even though I'm a little wary of throwing this idea out there so early in the run of recurring articles because it's going to be an idea you could do with a lot of movies, I have to propose a Frat Pack A-Team. You would have Vince Vaughn as Hannibal, and rather than playing the endearing character he has in movies like Swingers and Wedding Crashers, he would be taking himself way too seriously and trying to be cool. Owen Wilson would naturally be Face, and Will Ferrell would be Murdock, like I had in my ideal cast. B.A.'s a tough one, since no one fits the description, so let's say they actually get the real Mr. T, but the script will give no reason why he is so much older than everyone else on the team. Ben Stiller would appear in a curly mullet and a ridiculous fu manchu mustache as that Mexican guy that they added to the cast in Season 3 that no one liked. If they decide to cut that Mexican guy out, than for some reason I could see Stiller appearing in blackface as B.A.; I'm pretty sure the man has no shame. Rounding it out, I think you could put Tim Robbins in as Col. Decker, and if he is unavailable, Luke Wilson could try it out, simply because he hasn't been given a role yet. Now for the plot: I'm pretty sure it would be set in contemporary times, but they still would have served in Vietnam. Sure the dates don't match up, but if you're paying attention to those kinds of things, you're probably in the wrong movie. Early on in the movie, the A-Team would undoubtedly help a Swedish bikini team or a cheerleading squad or something, and then there would be gratuitous nudity. At some point in the movie, Ben Stiller is going to need to accidentally kill a horse. There will additionally probably be a scene where the A-Team will need to dress in drag to evade the authorities. During the inevitable welding scene that seemed to happen in every episode of the A-Team, there will be hijinks galore, and someone will probably get their crotch set on fire. Now the main plot, and I use that term loosely, would be about Col. Decker setting a trap for the A-Team. He would lure them out by starting a rumor about how there was a piece of evidence that would exonerate them and then use the army to capture them. On the way, the plane the A-Team is flying has to make an emergency stop in, coincidence of coincidences, B.A.'s home town. There we meet his entire family, who also happen to talk like Mr. T. There would be one scene where B.A.'s mother would slap B.A. upside the head and say something to the extent of "Foo, I pity you." This scene would of course be used in the trailer. You know, I started writing this idea as a joke, but the more and more I write, the more and more I'm afraid that they will probably make this movie. It will be a shame, but I will be proud that I thought of it first. I will then ask for some royalties.

The other night I had a dream that I bought an Xbox 360. You know, I used to dream about beautiful women. I think something is terribly wrong with me.

So my days of being unemployed are going to come to an end tomorrow. Miraculously, I actually managed to land a job. It's with a small insurance company that is located in Vernon Hills, which isn't too far from Mundelein. It doesn't sound like it will be that interesting, but a job's a job. Hopefully I won't have to work so hard that I will be unable to continue posting articles. Seeing as how I am really lazy, however, and the fact that I am devoting much of my free time to beating Kingdom Hearts II, it's anyone's guess as to just how dedicated I will be about blogging. Still, I have plans to continue the Tuesday-Thursday schedule, so keep checking on those days.

For reasons that completely escape me, Entertainment Weekly has begun showing up at my place. To my knowledge, I have never subscribed to nor paid any money to Entertainment Weekly, so I am somewhat puzzled as to why it keeps showing up. I have suspicions that Best Buy is somehow involved; it seems that every time I attempt to purchase something there they attempt to shove eight free issues of Entertainment Weekly down my throat. Anyway, I mention this because I was reading an issue recently and it provided me with several interesting facts.

First off, they had something about a live-action Transformers movie. Initially this excited me greatly, at least until I realized that Michael Bay was making the movie. Talk about a letdown. First Michael Bay ruins one of my favorite Japanese ambushes of Americans, and now he's going to ruin one of my favorite 80's Saturday morning cartoons? I'm sure Bay will be able to bring plenty of explosions to the screen, and that's all well and good, but gone will be the subtle nuances of Transformers that led me to seriously consider writing a theology paper in college entitled Optimus Prime as Christ Figure. Why don't they just go all out and get Limp Bizkit to do a cover of the Tranformers theme(I wonder if they would go for the "more than meets the eye" lyric or the "robots in disguise" one)? Michael Bay, please from the bottom of my heart, don't fuck this one up. And heaven help you if you decide to mess with Thundercats or He-Man next.

There's apparently also a Simpsons movie that is expected to come out sometime next year. I don't really know how I feel about this movie. Nowadays, The Simpsons are sort of like elderly people to me: they may have served some role in the past, even an important one, but now they just seem intent on sticking around to see how long they last and stealing all the useful people's oxygen (or half hour of programming, as is the case for The Simpsons). The movie does sound interesting in that they are bringing back a bunch of the writers from the glory days (I don't know if Conan signed up). The quality of the writing on The Simpsons has been in decline for a very long time, and if they can bring back some of the guys who actually knew what they were doing, the movie might actually be great.

I feel I need to at least mention the Cubs sweep of the Cardinals over the weekend. Though there are still some 157 games left, the fact that the Cubs swept the Cardinals was pretty significant. In fact, the Cubs didn't sweep a single series at home all last year (which is an impressively awful statistic; you think they would have accidentally swept the Pirates or something), let alone the team that is the favorite to win the National League. It is important to note that I am by no means drinking the Kool-Aid on these Cubs; in fact, I wouldn't be shocked if they ended up losing their upcoming series to the Reds at home. Still, the jury is out on this team, and I am certainly monitoring the situation closely and will let it be known when I figure out whether or not this team is for real. If they are going to be for real, though, the starting pitching needs to get much more consistent from top to bottom of the rotation.

I have officially gone over to the dark side. I was at the store the other day, and I was looking for shaving razors. I saw that they were having a sale on the Mach 6, or whatever the hell they are calling that new razor with the six blades. Seeing as how it was cheaper for me to buy a new one of those razors than new razor heads for my existing Mach 3(by the way, why the hell are razors so freaking expensive?), I decided to try out the new one, even if the prospect of six blades on one razor seems absolutely ludicrous. I had put off trying the new razor because I know how I am, and the second I try an upgraded item, I become hooked on it. Well that's exactly what happened here, and I now can never go back to my Mach 3; it only has half as many razors as this new thing. This is why I shouldn't be allowed to shop for myself.

Along those same lines, it may finally be time for me to try some Tag body spray. I think the commmercials for Tag are absolutely hilarious in their shamelessness. They are the ones where a guy puts on the body spray and then women constantly jump him. The only thing that's missing from those commercials is nudity, and let's face it, we're probably only a year or two away from this. If I were Tag, I would say the hell with it and sponsor a porno where the plot is that a guy puts on the spray and then an orgy erupts every time. Believe me, this would be a better plot than about 95% of the adult films I've seen.

Did Phillies fans boo Jimmy Rollins when his hitting streak stopped at 38 games? Because that would sound about right.

I've really tried to talk myself back into the NBA this year. I'm glad they finally introduced an age limit, even if it should be 20 rather than 19. Also, the style of play seems to be swinging back from the clutching and grabbing of the slicked-back Satan's Knicks and Heat teams of the 90's to a more opened-up and free-flowing game, with the Suns as probably the best example of that. I also like that David/Daniel Stern (I always get it mixed up which one is an NBA commissioner and which one starred in Home Alone) is afraid to mess with the players and tell them what to do, with the dress code being the best example. I hope Stern gets drunk on his power and does something really ridiculous, like outlawing tattooes and cornrows. I want this to happen for two reasons. Firstly, I like to see a lot of conflict. But more importantly, a move like that seems to be the best bet to trigger race riots not seen since Rodney King, and I could go for a new TV.

Still, I haven't been able to become an NBA fan again; I simply don't care to follow the Bulls. I like John Paxson, and I think he's done a commendable job of bringing in quality hard-working guys. In fact, Paxson's work can not be understated. In a league where it is mind-numbing to think about how many incompetent general managers are able to earn a paycheck, Paxson came up with a revolutionary idea: let's draft those prospects who have shown the ability to produce consistently at lower levels. While this seems like an absolute no-brainer, it is fairly unique in the NBA, where a general manager can make one good move in fifteen and be considered above average. Another thing I like about the Bulls is Kirk Hinrich gives hope to goofy looking white guys everywhere.

Still, I think the reason I don't care to watch the Bulls can be traced back solely to Tyson Chandler. I have never seen an athletic, 7-foot player that has less basketball skills than him. I was just at the bar the other day that was showing a Bulls game, and it was frustrating to watch the guy. I mean, as of right now, Chandler is only averaging 5.4 points. I understand that being 7 feet tall doesn't guarantee you success in the league: there are plenty of awkward stiff guys (Shawn Bradley) who are simply there to block a few shots and grab a few rebounds. This isn't the case with Chandler; the guy has athleticism to boot. Chandler's problem is that he lacks any and all basketball skills. It's quite surprising really: you would think that over the course of playing basketball as long as he has, that he would pick up something, like the ability to dribble, or to shoot a free throw, or even to perform a very basic post move. And yet, nothing.

I sure am starting to get excited over Pearl Jam's new album that is coming out in May. The first single Worldwide Suicide is a very catchy song that I like the more I listen too. I doubt that Pearl Jam can ever attain the success they had with Ten, Vs, and Vitalogy, but if the other songs on the album sound as good as the first single does, we could be looking at a mini-comeback this summer. I for one am just glad that they have decided to start writing some rockers again.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are also coming out with a new album in May, and I'm not sure whether to be excited about it or not. The new mellow melancholy sound that the Chili Peppers have had was interesting on Californication, but when they returned to it on By The Way it started to get a little old. The new track that they've released, called Dani California, sounds like more of the same. Also, am I the only one who is getting sick of the Chili Peppers continually singing songs about California? We get it: there are a lot of fake people out there; you don't need to keep telling us. Right now, the only other band that has been this uniquely focused on California the last couple of years is the one that sings the O.C.'s theme song (and yes, I know they are called Phantom Planet).

Thoughts

So I had a couple of observations this past week while flying

You know how when someone is nervous about flying, a lot of times people will hope to calm them down by saying, "You know, statistically speaking, you're much more likely to die in a car crash than in an airplane crash"? How in the world does this fact calm anyone down? Great, I'm afraid of airplanes, now you're going to ruin cars for me as well? How am I going to get around all day, by horse? Thanks a lot, stat guy.

I have never understood why the airport offers such a prime choice of pornography in its stores. Where exactly are you supposed to read these materials? I have never been on a flight where there haven't been kids either across the aisle or one row ahead or behind me, and there's usually an elderly couple somewhere nearby as well. I don't need little Timmy asking his mommy why the man across the aisle is reading a magazine called Swank and feeling up all the pages. The whole idea of pornography as a whole is one that I seem to be losing a little enthusiasm for. Maybe it's a phase, maybe I'm growing up, or maybe I'm getting impotent: only time will tell.

I did end up purchasing a Stuff magazine for the flight, and that's kind of like porno for a 13 year old. Anyway, I was very disappointed in it. I used to read Stuff fairly regularly in college, and it was great. It wasn't great because of the scantily clad women in it(although I by no means complained about them), but because the writing style was absolutely insane and hilarious; they would make the most random jokes. I especially enjoyed a couple of segments they had that were called "Stuff answers letters to Entertainment Weekly" and "Stuff calls Onstar." Well, if Stuff was really written by an insane mental patient, he must have escaped from wherever Stuff was holding him, because the writing in Stuff sucks now. I only read one issue, so maybe they had an off week, but gone was the crazy humor that attracted me to the magazine in the first place.

While flying I happened to notice that there is an airline called N.W.A. Realistically it probably stands for Northwest Airlines or something similar, but I can always dream. Anyway, seeing an airline called N.W.A. got me thinking about what roles the members of N.W.A. would have if they ran an airline. Obviously Dr. Dre would have to be the air traffic controller, the guy behind the scenes who does a lot of work but doesn't receive much credit. DJ Yella and MC Wren would be the stewardesses, because neither really brought much to the table and both are just happy to be able to wear the uniforms. I feel like the D.O.C. would be the guy who stands at the metal detector and checks your bags, and I'm not sure why. That only leaves Ice Cube and Eazy E left, and I had a hard time figure out which would be the pilot and which would be the co-pilot. Ice Cube probably was the more talented of the two, but in the end I decided Eazy E would be the pilot both because he started N.W.A. and because he stayed on later after Ice Cube left. And yes, I probably spent multiple hours thinking of this; you people wonder what I do all day. This scenario, however, does raise an interesting question. If N.W.A. were really to run an airline, who would the white people on the plane be more afraid of: the crew, or the four Arabs sitting in row 8?

Switching gears now, baseball season has started, and I'm really trying not to get too excited. I know myself, and there are only two things in the world that I will be continually naive about: women and the Chicago Cubs. Sure, I continually bitch about how much the Cubs suck, but whenever they get within eight games of the division lead, I start thinking, you never know, this could be the year. Then the Cubs end up scoring something like three runs in two weeks, and I end up cursing myself out for ever believing in the Cubs. So now the Cubs end up winning their opening game 16-7. What am I supposed to do? It's way too early to officially talk myself into this team: after all, last year they won their opener 16-6. Still, there are a couple of reasons I might be able to talk myself into this team:

1) They finally have a real leadoff hitter. Even if Juan Pierre has a subpar year, he's still light years ahead of anything the Cubs have had the last several years. Having watched the Cubs on their rollercoaster season last year, it was brutally obvious that when they were on their winning streaks, their leadoff hitters were producing, and when they were on their losing streaks, the leadoff hitters were going something like 2 for 45. Pierre should provide more consistency than Corey Patterson and Neifi Perez (understatement of the year).

2) The bullpen actually was upgraded. Bobby Howry and Scott Eyre are actually pretty serious upgrades for a bullpen whose philosiphy last year can best be described as "we're gonna thrown a bunch of shit against the wall and see what sticks." If Ryan Dempster, who has probably become my favorite Cub, can continue the solid work he did last year as closer, the bullpen should be better than average. One caveat though: Scott Eyre appeared in 80 something games last year. I'm always worried when a guy who has been overworked joins the Cubs, who have to have set some kind of record for most pitching injuries since 2000.

3) The Cubs' bench this year intrigues me. You have decent balance this year: Mabry and Freddie Bynum are lefthanded bats, Hairston and Blanco are righthanded, and Neifi Perez and Angel Pagan are switch hitters. The bench also boasts much better speed this year, with Bynum, Pagan, Hairston, and Perez all as guys with good to great wheels, and many of them are versatile players who can play multiple positions. Mabry and Perez in particular are two guys who should excel in part time roles. Though Neifi was the bane of my existence last year, he really performed admirably considering his talent level. He never should have been expected to appear in more than 100 games; he's not that good. As a role player who can play a bunch of positions, however, I like him a lot. Angel Pagan is the guy I'm most excited about right now. This guy is a 24 year old switch hitter who came out of nowhere and absolutely tore it up in spring training, so much so that the Cubs, who probably expected him to be in AA, ended up putting him on the roster. Yesterday he went 2 for 3 with an RBI. This guy clearly has made some sort of deal with the devil, and he will inevitably cool down so much that he'll probably get sent down to the minors around June, but it's fun to watch a guy who right now is playing out of his mind. Plus he's got a good name.

4) Finally, finally, Dusty Baker has Todd Walker batting second. In my opinion Todd Walker has the ideal skill set to bat in the 2 hole: he makes good contact, he's a veteran who knows his role, and he has a firm grasp of the strike zone. He's not gonna give you a lot of power and he's average at best in the field, but he's perfect as a guy who will take a few pitches to let your leadoff hitter steal a base, or who will hit to the right side to advance a runner. I knew this the second Walker was signed, but it apparently took Baker an entire year to figure this out. Which brings us up next to...

Why I am being cautious about my enthusiasm for this team:

1) Dusty Baker

2) Dusty Baker

3) Dusty Baker

Look, I understand that three years ago Baker was an important hire. His hiring signaled to fans that the Cubs were no longer content with being mediocre and raking in money from drunk fans: they actually wanted to try to win. And Baker has done a pretty admirable job of raising expectations: fans now expect the Cubs to legitimately compete every single year.

Unfortunately, I believe Baker has taken the Cubs as far as he possibly can. You're looking at a guy who has made it to only one World Series, behind the pharmaceutically enhanced achievements of Barry Bonds, and then allowed his team to blow that Series in seven games behind some very questionable managerial decisions. The man is a jackass who says stupid things all the time, and he shows little to no baseball strategy. Perhaps the best example of Baker's management ability came in 2004. That was the year Sammy Sosa got beaned in the head, and when he returned it was brutally obvious to everyone but Sammy that he was standing too far off the plate. He was stuck in a long slump, and reporters kept asking Baker if he had talked to Sammy about standing closer to the plate. Baker said something to the extent that he had some recommendations to give to Sosa, but that he couldn't tell Sosa how to hit. Uh, Dusty you're the manager: not only can you tell your players how to play, but it is a requirement of your position. You're not a consultant, you're the freaking manager. If they don't listen to you, you shouldn't play them. That's been the problem with the Cubs under Baker: there's no accountability. If a player is doing something fundamentally wrong, it's not the manager's job to correct it, the player has to figure it out on his own: there's no accountability for the manager. What's worse is that Baker kept sending Sosa out there, even as he kept making the same mistakes, which means there's no accountability for the players either. Even though this event happened two years ago, I haven't seen any indications that Baker has brought any accountability into the Cubs' clubhouse, and without it the Cubs will never win anything.

But perhaps the most damning strike against Baker is also the most simple one: the man is friends with Barry Bonds. My personal belief is that when in doubt, never trust a man who willingly associates himself with Barry Bonds. It hasn't steered me wrong yet.