Thoughts

So I had a couple of observations this past week while flying

You know how when someone is nervous about flying, a lot of times people will hope to calm them down by saying, "You know, statistically speaking, you're much more likely to die in a car crash than in an airplane crash"? How in the world does this fact calm anyone down? Great, I'm afraid of airplanes, now you're going to ruin cars for me as well? How am I going to get around all day, by horse? Thanks a lot, stat guy.

I have never understood why the airport offers such a prime choice of pornography in its stores. Where exactly are you supposed to read these materials? I have never been on a flight where there haven't been kids either across the aisle or one row ahead or behind me, and there's usually an elderly couple somewhere nearby as well. I don't need little Timmy asking his mommy why the man across the aisle is reading a magazine called Swank and feeling up all the pages. The whole idea of pornography as a whole is one that I seem to be losing a little enthusiasm for. Maybe it's a phase, maybe I'm growing up, or maybe I'm getting impotent: only time will tell.

I did end up purchasing a Stuff magazine for the flight, and that's kind of like porno for a 13 year old. Anyway, I was very disappointed in it. I used to read Stuff fairly regularly in college, and it was great. It wasn't great because of the scantily clad women in it(although I by no means complained about them), but because the writing style was absolutely insane and hilarious; they would make the most random jokes. I especially enjoyed a couple of segments they had that were called "Stuff answers letters to Entertainment Weekly" and "Stuff calls Onstar." Well, if Stuff was really written by an insane mental patient, he must have escaped from wherever Stuff was holding him, because the writing in Stuff sucks now. I only read one issue, so maybe they had an off week, but gone was the crazy humor that attracted me to the magazine in the first place.

While flying I happened to notice that there is an airline called N.W.A. Realistically it probably stands for Northwest Airlines or something similar, but I can always dream. Anyway, seeing an airline called N.W.A. got me thinking about what roles the members of N.W.A. would have if they ran an airline. Obviously Dr. Dre would have to be the air traffic controller, the guy behind the scenes who does a lot of work but doesn't receive much credit. DJ Yella and MC Wren would be the stewardesses, because neither really brought much to the table and both are just happy to be able to wear the uniforms. I feel like the D.O.C. would be the guy who stands at the metal detector and checks your bags, and I'm not sure why. That only leaves Ice Cube and Eazy E left, and I had a hard time figure out which would be the pilot and which would be the co-pilot. Ice Cube probably was the more talented of the two, but in the end I decided Eazy E would be the pilot both because he started N.W.A. and because he stayed on later after Ice Cube left. And yes, I probably spent multiple hours thinking of this; you people wonder what I do all day. This scenario, however, does raise an interesting question. If N.W.A. were really to run an airline, who would the white people on the plane be more afraid of: the crew, or the four Arabs sitting in row 8?

Switching gears now, baseball season has started, and I'm really trying not to get too excited. I know myself, and there are only two things in the world that I will be continually naive about: women and the Chicago Cubs. Sure, I continually bitch about how much the Cubs suck, but whenever they get within eight games of the division lead, I start thinking, you never know, this could be the year. Then the Cubs end up scoring something like three runs in two weeks, and I end up cursing myself out for ever believing in the Cubs. So now the Cubs end up winning their opening game 16-7. What am I supposed to do? It's way too early to officially talk myself into this team: after all, last year they won their opener 16-6. Still, there are a couple of reasons I might be able to talk myself into this team:

1) They finally have a real leadoff hitter. Even if Juan Pierre has a subpar year, he's still light years ahead of anything the Cubs have had the last several years. Having watched the Cubs on their rollercoaster season last year, it was brutally obvious that when they were on their winning streaks, their leadoff hitters were producing, and when they were on their losing streaks, the leadoff hitters were going something like 2 for 45. Pierre should provide more consistency than Corey Patterson and Neifi Perez (understatement of the year).

2) The bullpen actually was upgraded. Bobby Howry and Scott Eyre are actually pretty serious upgrades for a bullpen whose philosiphy last year can best be described as "we're gonna thrown a bunch of shit against the wall and see what sticks." If Ryan Dempster, who has probably become my favorite Cub, can continue the solid work he did last year as closer, the bullpen should be better than average. One caveat though: Scott Eyre appeared in 80 something games last year. I'm always worried when a guy who has been overworked joins the Cubs, who have to have set some kind of record for most pitching injuries since 2000.

3) The Cubs' bench this year intrigues me. You have decent balance this year: Mabry and Freddie Bynum are lefthanded bats, Hairston and Blanco are righthanded, and Neifi Perez and Angel Pagan are switch hitters. The bench also boasts much better speed this year, with Bynum, Pagan, Hairston, and Perez all as guys with good to great wheels, and many of them are versatile players who can play multiple positions. Mabry and Perez in particular are two guys who should excel in part time roles. Though Neifi was the bane of my existence last year, he really performed admirably considering his talent level. He never should have been expected to appear in more than 100 games; he's not that good. As a role player who can play a bunch of positions, however, I like him a lot. Angel Pagan is the guy I'm most excited about right now. This guy is a 24 year old switch hitter who came out of nowhere and absolutely tore it up in spring training, so much so that the Cubs, who probably expected him to be in AA, ended up putting him on the roster. Yesterday he went 2 for 3 with an RBI. This guy clearly has made some sort of deal with the devil, and he will inevitably cool down so much that he'll probably get sent down to the minors around June, but it's fun to watch a guy who right now is playing out of his mind. Plus he's got a good name.

4) Finally, finally, Dusty Baker has Todd Walker batting second. In my opinion Todd Walker has the ideal skill set to bat in the 2 hole: he makes good contact, he's a veteran who knows his role, and he has a firm grasp of the strike zone. He's not gonna give you a lot of power and he's average at best in the field, but he's perfect as a guy who will take a few pitches to let your leadoff hitter steal a base, or who will hit to the right side to advance a runner. I knew this the second Walker was signed, but it apparently took Baker an entire year to figure this out. Which brings us up next to...

Why I am being cautious about my enthusiasm for this team:

1) Dusty Baker

2) Dusty Baker

3) Dusty Baker

Look, I understand that three years ago Baker was an important hire. His hiring signaled to fans that the Cubs were no longer content with being mediocre and raking in money from drunk fans: they actually wanted to try to win. And Baker has done a pretty admirable job of raising expectations: fans now expect the Cubs to legitimately compete every single year.

Unfortunately, I believe Baker has taken the Cubs as far as he possibly can. You're looking at a guy who has made it to only one World Series, behind the pharmaceutically enhanced achievements of Barry Bonds, and then allowed his team to blow that Series in seven games behind some very questionable managerial decisions. The man is a jackass who says stupid things all the time, and he shows little to no baseball strategy. Perhaps the best example of Baker's management ability came in 2004. That was the year Sammy Sosa got beaned in the head, and when he returned it was brutally obvious to everyone but Sammy that he was standing too far off the plate. He was stuck in a long slump, and reporters kept asking Baker if he had talked to Sammy about standing closer to the plate. Baker said something to the extent that he had some recommendations to give to Sosa, but that he couldn't tell Sosa how to hit. Uh, Dusty you're the manager: not only can you tell your players how to play, but it is a requirement of your position. You're not a consultant, you're the freaking manager. If they don't listen to you, you shouldn't play them. That's been the problem with the Cubs under Baker: there's no accountability. If a player is doing something fundamentally wrong, it's not the manager's job to correct it, the player has to figure it out on his own: there's no accountability for the manager. What's worse is that Baker kept sending Sosa out there, even as he kept making the same mistakes, which means there's no accountability for the players either. Even though this event happened two years ago, I haven't seen any indications that Baker has brought any accountability into the Cubs' clubhouse, and without it the Cubs will never win anything.

But perhaps the most damning strike against Baker is also the most simple one: the man is friends with Barry Bonds. My personal belief is that when in doubt, never trust a man who willingly associates himself with Barry Bonds. It hasn't steered me wrong yet.