Fuck snow

Fuck the fucked-up fucking fuckload of snow that we miserable fucks have been fucking getting lately. Fuck!

And this is coming from someone who understands the value of having some snow. I've always found it hard to trust southerners. And it's not because of the inbreeding, or the incessant love of overalls, or the fascination with livestock, or the lack of teeth, or that whole seceding from the Union thing (having written that sentence, I was slightly worried about offending any southerners who came across this blog, until I realized that southerners, in fact, can't read).

No, the reason I've always had a distrust of the South is because they don't suffer nearly enough through winters. Up north we suffer yearly. The first snow always arrives too soon, cutting short our fall. Then it is all sure to melt away before Christmas, and we bitch about how we have to put up with snow all winter long except for the one day of the year we want it. Then in January the weather turns cold and snowy. Then in February the weather turns even colder and snowier (another thing, fuck that groundhog: he brings nothing but false hope). And sure, eventually, around the end of May, the snow finally recedes and we actually have some decent weather. But up north we know it is only a brief reprieve from the soul-sucking desolation of northern winters. Every warm second is to be enjoyed, but it is also to be mourned, for it brings us one second closer to the winter. Sure, it's a pretty depressing existence, but that's how weather is supposed to be.

But southerners don't have to worry about any of that. The worst they get is that maybe it drops down to 50 and they have to spring for a light jacket. They don't understand the obsessive paranoia that three straight months of cloudiness and snow can do to a mind. That much happiness in one group of people is not natural.

Even understanding that a little meteorological misery can be good for one's soul, this year has gone too fucking far. I kill my back shoveling the driveway, only to have to do the damn thing all over two days later. It takes an hour to drive anywhere in this shit because no one knows how to fucking drive with a little bit of snow and ice on the ground. There was a day where it reached as high as 60 and as low as -5 in the span of 24 hours. Oh, and last but not least, the thundersnow. Fucking thunder and fucking snow at the same time!

I'm starting to get worried. I am starting to suspect that spring may never fucking get here. The earth's had ice ages before; who's to say this isn't one of them? I'm sure the last time there was an ice age, one caveman said to another one, "Oh, don't worry: sure the weather is bad, but spring is right around the corner." Or at least whatever the caveman equivalent of that is.

One thing I know for sure is that that motherfucking Al Gore is full of shit.