On this date, February 27, 2007, the Irish Rambler formally decrees the following:

It is no longer acceptable for white guys with acoustic guitars to perform mellow covers of hip hop songs. There are currently two egregious violators of this ruling, and they most certainly will be prosecuting ex post facto if they do not immediately cease and desist. The first of the two violators is a band called Obadiah Parker (which, if it were the name of a person would either be the whitest name ever, or the blackest name ever, with no in-between) which performs an acoustic version of "Hey Ya" which I have had the displeasure of hearing on the radio lately. The second is an acoustic version of Usher's "Yeah" performed by somebody named Jim Lyman.

Look, this scthik was tired eight years ago when Dynamite Hack did a version of "Boyz-N-The-Hood," and it hasn't gotten any funnier since. We get it: you're really white. You know how to play an acoustic guitar like John Mayer or Jack Johnson. You own many trucker hats and polo shirts. Ooh, listen to you: the uber-white kid who probably graduated from Miami of Ohio sounds so funny talking about "ho's" and "hustlas." The irony that you are really white but choose to sing a black song is so amazing that I just can't get my head around it; I need to hear the song over and over again to fully comprehend its greatness. How has Saturday Night Live not already locked down a genius of such immense comic talent as yourself?

It's over; I've had it. I will no longer be tolerating such jackassery. We as a nation must stand up and demand that these hemp necklace-wearing motherfuckers stop poisoning our musical landscape. If you want to make people laugh by your singing, it's simple, really: all you need to do is become Asian and tone-deaf.

Today is Presidents Day.

Now, my bosses did not deem it necessary for me to have the day off to ponder the greatness of those men who have in the past ensured that our great democracy would survive and flourish, but nevertheless, I did manage to squeeze in a couple of minutes' worth of contemplation (while on the can, mostly).

In honor of such a day, I present the following video, quite possibly the best video ever created by man (or beast, for that matter). Now, what connection could this video possibly have with Presidents Day? Well, being a president is all about sacrifice. You have to move to Washington D.C., you have millions of strangers looking into the most private details of your life (such as, did that prostitute die before or after you had sex with her?), and you have to constantly attend meeting with foreigners who want to constantly talk to you about boring things such as the global economy. In exchange for this, all you get is wealth, fame, and the guarantee that your name will always be remembered as long as America exists (unless, of course, your name is Zachary Taylor). In other words, it takes an incredibly selfless person to agree to take on the heavy task of running this country.

Similarly, this video reminds me of another group of people who know all too well about sacrifice: peach farmers. Like presidents, peach farmers put the good of others before their own well-being, bravely fending off ninja attacks, just so they can bring us nature's candy in our hands or can or a pie.

(oh, also incidentally, the name of the band who sings the song is the Presidents of the United States of America. That connection probably would have made more sense. Anyway, enjoy)

Post Mortem

"You know the hardest thing about being smart? I always pretty much know what's gonna happen next. There's no suspense."

sigh. That quotes comes from Billy Bob Thornton in the incredibly forgettable movie Bandits (that was the one where he and Bruce Willis escape from prison and end up robbing banks. Outside, of that quote, the movie is impressively unimpressive. I know I've seen it, but I have absolutely no feelings, good or bad, about the movie. You'd think that with all the money spent on a movie, you'd be able to evince some kind of reaction from me, but all I feel about that movie, and other movies like it, such as the one where Will Smith and Gene Hackman run from the government, or the one where Bruce Willis tries to save that autistic boy from Alec Baldwin, or those two volcano movies that were released at the same time, is nothing. These movies couldn't have been terrible, because then I would have at least remembered that they were terrible. It is interesting to me how little I feel about those movies. Of course, because of this I suppose you could say that I at least feel a little interest in them. I mean, I did just spend a paragraph talking about them. Oh, everything's a paradox. Or it isn't). Anyway, I always liked that quote, probably because my megalomaniacal side likes to think that I have suffered the same problem.

The reason I bring this quote up? Because it is the best way to describe how I feel after the Super Bowl. As noted on this blog, I predicted the Colts would win 27-16, and I was only three points off, as the actual score was 29-17. I even suggested that Hester could run back the opening kick for a touchdown (but sadly, I did not have access to a bookie to place that prop bet. Oh well). Obviously this performance left a lot of Bears fans feeling let down, but I'm not sure I can count myself among them: I mean, if something turned out very much like you expected, it's pretty difficult to feel let down. So unlike a vast majority of Chicago, I don't particularly feel any anger about this: the Bears were who I thought they were.

I will admit that I was surprised by how easily Indianapolis controlled the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball. Frankly, the Colts simply played tougher than the Bears. I did not expect the Colts to have much success simply running the ball into the middle of the Bears defense, but that is exactly what happened. The ability to pick up short yardage combined with Manning's stellar play on third down wore the Bears defense down. Of course, it doesn't help that the offense couldn't sustain any drives in the second half.

Still, with better quarterback play the Bears could have won this game. Having played fairly poorly up to that point, the Bears were still down only four in the third quarter, before Rex Grossman threw what was probably the worst pass in the Super Bowl since Garo Yepremian's interception in 1972 (sorry Neil O'Donnell: I hate to exclude you, but even your picks weren't that bad). Garo had the excuse of being both a kicker and foreign-born, whereas Rex has no such thing. After that pick, the game was essentially over, and the only things left to do were wonder whether the Colts would manage to cover and who would win the MVP.

So, now I'm left in a position I have been familiar with my whole life, due to the fact I'm a Cubs fan: waiting for next year. I am not sure what is going to happen with the Bears. For one, they have to battle the curse of the Super Bowl loser. Since the Buffalo Bills in 1993, no Super Bowl loser has made it back to the conference championship the next year. Also, before this year, for five years in a row the Super Bowl loser had even failed to make the playoffs the following year. Of course, the Seattle Seahawks showed this year that as long as parity is continuing to drag the sport down into mediocrity, even curses can be overcome. Here's to a really weak NFC again next year.

Still, there is an outside hope for me that the Bears could be better next year. For one, if Tommie Harris is able to come back and be as productive as he was pre-injury, the defense will get a shot in the arm. Same goes for Mike Brown, but in a lesser sense. The Bears still have tough decisions to make on Lance Briggs, and there is the concern about an aging offensive line, so the front office will have to have a good offseason, but in general Jerry Angelo and company have done a pretty solid job.

And there also could be a huge silver lining in this game. Having never thought Rex Grossman was worth a shit as a quarterback, his play in the Super Bowl did not particularly infuriate me any more than any other Sunday, but for many Bears fans, the Super Bowl was an eye-opener to the craptacularness of Rex. Though I do expect him to come back next year, there is a hope that if the yelling gets loud enough, the front office may decide to bring in someone else to at least compete for the starter spot. Whether Lovie will actually allow this to happen remains unseen, but finding a new quarterback, even if he's a journeyman like Jeff Garcia or a castoff like David Carr (who I would really like), would be the single most improvement to this team (of course, there's always a hope that all the NFL draft "experts" continue to talk up Brady Quinn's flaws to such a point that he'll fall to a spot that the Bears could think about trading up and drafting him. This is obviously a pipe dream, but it is fun to dream. By the way, have you heard that Brady Quinn has never won a big game in all his life? I also heard that his second toe is bigger than his big toe, and everyone knows that you can't be a good quarterback with a bigger second toe. I'm just putting it out there). I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Okay, so here's my official SUPER BOWL PREDICTION. All shall cower in fear and awe of my prognosticative powers.

We'll first start off with the matchup of the Colts offense against the Bears defense. The Bears defense is a tough one to make a judgment call on. With Tommie Harris healthy, they are probably the second best defense in the league, behind only the Ravens. Of course, Harris is out, so that point is relatively moot. Like I said, the Bears defense without Harris is difficult to categorize. They don't stuff the run particularly well, but few teams have been able to consistently run the ball down their throats. The pass rush has been fairly anemic save for Mark Anderson (how he didn't win the Defensive Rookie of the Year is beyond me), but there is a decent amount of talent there (especially if Tank Johnson doesn't kill anyone between now and Sunday). With Mike Brown out, the secondary is vulnerable as well (although I'm not sure if Brown's presence would actually change this). Teams have been able to move the ball on the defense, but more often than not, when an offense gets into Bears territory, the defense usually gets a big turnover. The best way to describe this defense would be to say that they are opportunistic. I think it would be unfair to say that the turnovers are all luck; they happen with too much regularity for it to simply be chance, and with regards to the forced fumbles, stripping the ball has always been a point of emphasis for the Bears. Still, you get the feeling that if a team were to play disciplined and focus primarily on retaining possession of the ball, they would be able to score a decent amount of points on the Bears. But are the Colts that team?

The biggest question about the Colts offense is going to be Peyton Manning. Manning is obviously talented, but you have to remember that he has only played about three quarters of a good game total throughout these playoffs. He was incredibly inept against both the Chiefs and the Ravens. Many figure that now that he has thrown the Patriots monkey off his back, Manning's days of tensing up under pressure are over, and that may be true, but if he comes out as shaky as he has in the last three games, the Colts are going to find themselves behind the 8 ball. If Manning comes out the quarterback he was in the second half of the Pats game, he should be able to move the ball on the Bears defense. Joseph Addai and Dominic Rhodes are not going to take over a game, but running behind a good Colts line, they should be able to get some yards. Balance will be a key; if the Colts get into any obvious running situations, I do not see them being able to convert a great deal of them. The second most important matchup on this side of the ball, behind Manning vs. himself, is going to be Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne against Charles Tillman, Nathan Vasher, and Ricky Manning Jr. With Urlacher patrolling the middle of the field, I do not expect the Colts to do much damage with the tight ends, so the success of the passing game is going to be dependent on the Colts receivers getting open. The Bears have big physical corners that may be able to disrupt the Colts' routes, but they are also susceptible to the type of double moves that the Colts run really well. It would not shock me to see the Colts complete a couple of deep passes on Sunday.

Now, let's focus on the Bears offense versus the Colts defense. What are we to make of the Colts defense? During the regular season, they may have been the worst defense at stopping the run that I've seen in the last ten years. All of a sudden, in the playoffs they seemingly solve that problem. Many seem to feel that Bob Sanders's return was the main factor in the Colts' improvement at stopping the run. That may or may not be the case, but one thing is clear, especially after watching the Colts-Chiefs game: when the Indianapolis defense is focused solely on stopping the run, they are able to do so. This is going to pose a bit of a problem for the Bears, since they were kinda hoping Rex Grossman wouldn't have to do anything great. Unfortunately for Rex, his strengths and weaknesses play right into the Colts' hands. Grossman does very few things right, but one thing he does do well is throw an accurate deep ball (the other: proficient sperm donation, even if it sometimes is not asked for). The Colts cover 2 defense will negate this, however, as their focal point on defense is keeping the offense in front of them and then coming up to make the tackle. If Grossman is able to find receivers quickly and throw accurate short and intermediate routes, he should be able to find some holes in the defense. Of course, if Grossman is able to do this, then he is not in fact Rex Grossman. Rex Grossman does not bother himself with those little faggy short routes. Basically, I think the Colts will be good enough at stopping the run on first and second down to force the Bears into a decent amount of 3rd and longs, and if the Bears get in those situations, they will be in trouble. Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis are very good at pass rushing, and Grossman is not terribly adept at evading the pass rush and finding an open receiver. The key to this matchup is going to be on first and second down (wow, I just said that 2/3 of the offense's snaps are going to play an important factor in this game. Way to go out on a limb; I should work for ESPN). The Bears cannot hope to run the ball on first and second down and consistently get into manageable third downs. They're going to need to get some pass completions to loosen up the defense; this is where it would be helpful if Grossman threw to a tight end or running back at least once or twice. Of course, if they do go to the pass early and throw incompletions, they're going to end up in the same spot. Personally, I doubt the Bears have much success moving the ball; they're going to need some turnovers and solid special teams play to set up their scores.

Special teams is going to be the one part of the game where the Bears will have a clear advantage. Both kickers are dependable, and considering these two teams I would expect them to get a decent amount of work in: if I were setting the over/under on field goals in this game, I would set it around 5-6. Where the Bears have a huge advantage, however, is in kickoff return. Devin Hester has been a little inconsistent lately at fielding kicks and punts, but once he has the ball in his hands, few doubt his ability. Watching the Colts-Pats game two weeks ago, I was very surprised by how poor Indianapolis's kickoff coverage was. The Pats return team wasn't anything terribly special, but they got some great returns on the Colts, usually to around the 40. Hester has enough speed where if he gets the type of holes that the Pats were getting, he has a good chance of bringing one all the way back. I'm actually really tempted to put down a prop bet that Hester will be the first player to score a touchdown in the game. Even if he doesn't actually score any touchdowns, I think his return ability will be enough to give the Bears an advantage in field position.

Bottom Line
The Colts are going to get their points against the Bears defense. They may not move the ball at will, but it seems unrealistic to think the Bears can completely shut them down. On the other side, the Bears are going to have difficulty moving the ball on the Colts. A turnover or a good return may set the Bears up very well, but when Grossman has an entire field in front of him, I think he is going to struggle. I'd love to make a homer pick, but I can't:
Colts 27 Bears 16