Faster, Higher, Stronger, More Cleavage?

This article wasn't posted as early as I would have liked. I had an interview that ran really long today, and then I had to get a Shamrock Shake. All in all, it was probably one of my more productive mornings.

So the Olympics are over, and I have a hard time remembering a less exciting Olympics. Apparently I'm not the only one who felt this way, as viewership for the Olympics was extremely low this year, losing out to shows like American Idol.

A quick aside on American Idol: I hate it. I've always hated it. The show happens to bore me, but even more importantly than that, I have a philosophical problem with any show that takes regular people and turns them into celebrities, which pretty much describes every reality show ever made. These shows make it easier for regular people to achieve a sort of celebrity, which isn't bad in and of itself, but since more and more people are able to become celebrities, the value of being one has greatly decreased. I call this celebrity inflation. Now that Alan Greenspan has retired from the Fed, maybe he can get our celebrity economy straightened out. Of course I have a sneaking suspicion that Greenspan died about a decade ago and that the government engaged in Weekend at Bernies-style antics in order to make it appear as if Greenspan was still alive so that investors would not lose confidence in the economy. Really, though, that's an entirely different article altogether.

Anyway, to combat the celebrity inflation I think we need to follow the Jehovah's Witnesses' lead. I'm not referring to their love of door to door proselytizing (triple word score!), but rather to the fact that they believe that only 144,000 people will get into heaven. So, if you're number 144,001 on the list, tough shit, but you're going to hell. Well, I think we need to take that stance with celebrities. Everyone will agree on a certain number of celebrities we'll allow, and that's it. If anyone wishes to join the ranks of celebrity, then someone within will have to be kicked out. This doesn't mean that shows like American Idol need to cease, but it means that we'll have to have a show to counteract American Idol. I'm thinking it could be a show where a bunch of C list celebrities like Coolio, William Hung, and Nicole Richie compete in contests to win the public's favor, and at the end of the season one unlucky person will be forced to relinquish their role as celebrity, and, just to add insult to injury, be banished from the country. Who wouldn't watch that show?

Putting my opinions on reality TV aside, the Olympics this year were a letdown. It's not that the Olympics didn't try to have any drama. The fight between those two American speed skaters should have been interesting, but ultimately I'm not going to care about a sport where men wear spandex. The problem with the winter Olympics is that they are filled with a bunch of sports that no one cares about. The one exception of course is hockey, which is pretty entertaining and does have an extremely loyal, even if small, fanbase. But the majority of the sports, even during the sports doldrums that are the days of February, are sports that I don't want to watch. I think the main reason is because hardly anyone in America actually plays these sports. Almost everyone has tossed a football around, played HORSE, or played catch with a friend before. But how many Americans have attempted to cross country ski and then shoot at a bunch of targets. Hopefully, outside of winters in Detroit, not too many.

Without having the experience of playing most of these sports, the only thing that will attract Americans to these sports is the spectacle of the event, rather than the actual competition. In other words, I only watch the Olympics to see athletes fall or to ogle attractive women (the latter of which the winter Olympics delivers fairly regularly, considering Sweden is prominently involved). The winter Olympics needs to understand that and alter the events accordingly. To hell with the sanctity of competition, I want to see some action and some T and A. I think the IOC should make the ski jumpers jump through a hoop of fire. I think the short-track speed skating should adopt a no-holds-barred format where contact is not only allowed but encouraged. What was that skiing sport that killed that Kennedy a couple of years ago? Clearly we need that in here as well. The winter Olympics needs to take more advantage of their attractive women as well. Let's get some more attractive low-cut uniforms, rather than unflattering parkas. Divide women's figure skating into different divisions based on cup size. The possibilities are endless. I'd also can ice dancing. It's clearly not a sport, and there are too many male dancers involved that look vaguely like magicians. As a replacement for ice dancing, might I suggest exotic ice dancing. The pageantry and artistic form of ice dancing will remain, but now we will also celebrate the nude human body as well. The mere thought of this is probably enough to make most Canadians have to change their underwear. Plus, if anyone falls, the sadistic side in all of us will get to see a naked girl go sliding across the ice. Really, I can't see how this wouldn't be awesome. So please IOC: heed my advice. I don't want to see the Olympics fail, and I really, really want to see a naked girl on ice skates.