A Dilemma

So I'm a little torn over whether or not I should view this Scott Stapp-Kid Rock sex tape. In case anyone hasn't heard, a sex tape from 1999 starring Scott Stapp, Kid Rock, and four strippers has recently come to light.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Music/02/17/people.kidrock.reut/index.html

I have to admit that I am a little interested in seeing what's on the tape, but the fact that it is identified as the "Scott Stapp-Kid Rock Sex Tape" makes me think that watching the tape could be seen as a queer act (not that there's anything wrong with that; it's just not for me). This doesn't seem fair, however, as the women in the video outnumber the men 2 to 1, and no one would call a porno with one guy and one girl gay. The real reason I want to watch the tape isn't for any voyeuristic thrill, but rather because watching the tape more than likely will give me hours worth of stand-up material. Still, I'm not so sure it's worth it if it means I have to see Kid Rock or Scott Stapp's dongs. Oh, the shades of gray I deal in...

Anyway, the mere existence of this tape is problematic for me. For one, there is strong evidence to support the theory that Scott Stapp is in fact the antichrist. Think about it: if you were the devil, how would you drive away followers from God? Well, one really effective way of discrediting God would be by sending your own son out into the world to start an ultra-annoying rock group that not only sucks whatever enjoyment may have been left in mainstream music at the time, but also inanely prattles on about the importance and majesty of God. I like to think of myself as a reasonably religious individual, and even I was contemplating scaling back my faith when I saw how extremely uncool Scott's Stapp's faith was. That is significant because I am pretty stubborn; if Scott Stapp managed to affect me, I can only imagine how many people left their faiths altogether, which must have pleased the devil greatly. Additionally, Scott Stapp's popularity itself seems to question the existence of God. Watching the "With Arms Wide Open" video, I remember asking myself questions like, "If there really is a benevolent God, why would he subject humankind to this crap?" and "Do I really want to follow a God that created a world where such a tool as Scott Stapp could not only survive, but achieve millions of dollars and massive fame?" These are dark questions from a dark time, and we have no one to blame but the antichrist and his subsequent rise up the pop charts. Finally, the third piece of evidence that suggests Scott Stapp is the antichrist is that he is a University of Miami (FL) fan. If anything good has ever come out of that "school" I haven't seen it yet. Enough said on that.

So, knowing that Scott Stapp is the antichrist, why would four women agree to be in an orgy with him? Aren't they afraid that they could get pregnant and then give birth to some sort of jackal-like creature? The chances of them surviving such a delivery would be extremely low.

The final thing that confuses me about this whole affair is the fact that Scott Stapp and Kid Rock were allowed to be in the same room together. Not unlike how the president and the vice president aren't allowed to fly in the same airplane together for fear of it crashing, I would think that the National Association of Mullet Wearers (NAMW) would seek to keep Scott Stapp and Kid Rock as far away as possible. What if the tour bus they were on had caught fire and exploded? The mullet community would be devastated; Billy Ray Cyrus would more than likely have to come out of whatever cave he is currently living in just to calm everyone's fears. And even if a bus exploding seems a little far-fetched, what if both Kid Rock and Scott Stapp had contracted a deadly STD, which seems a little more probable given the circumstances? I hope that NAMW sees this as a wake-up call and starts enacting policies to ensure that the risk of Kid Rock and Scott Stapp being in the same room is never taken again.

After having thought about this for a while, I don't think that I am going to check the video out. It's simply not worth the risk. Like your grandmother naked, there are just some things too horrifying to ever forget seeing, and this may be one of them.